just different...

its amazing how words or the lack thereof can make the biggest impact.

i thought i was so confident and ok with being different looking...

but when you come to a country where people are just blunt even if its rude you come to realize your maybe not as sure about yourself....

maybe its the language barrier and im twisting things because their english is as choppy as my german

but maybe its true.

and i feel like i'm embarassing my family now too...
they had such high expectations and told all their friends about me..

i felt like they were expecting megan fox...

and then dani showed up.

"i thought models were supposed to be pretty"

ouch.

modeling is just a hobby..not something i do because i'm vain or think im hot.
i just love the art.

im sorry to be such a disappointment

its more than just a stomach ache

i know my words arent as eloquent as they could be....

i know i never say the right thing..

and i especially know its never at the right time.

i hate all these games and complicated rules of dating.

all i know is that i'm dani....

and i have a lot to offer.

a lot that i want to share with someone...

and being a hopeless romantic doesnt help this.

i overthink it way too much...

but i think that i should be thinking even more about it...

because apparently i've been doing something wrong for a long time..

i just want a guy to be different..

someone that wants to get to know me...

and not change after a few months....

will someone please write me a book on all of these rules so i can start doing it right?

because following my rule and going with my gut isnt getting me anywhere.

darn you gut.

beautiful disaster

i would change everything for a happy ever after...
i'm perfect only in my imperfections..
i'm just the way i am....and i'm not sure that its always okay..
i guess in a way its just an ugly beautiful disaster...

Toddlers and Tiaras

pageant.

you think of hairspray

big hair

3 year olds wearing make up

crazy pageant mothers living through their children

gay guys

rigged competitions

a lot of tears

and a whole lot of fake

i thought the same thing for the longest time..until i decided to compete in one.
i did it for the scholarship. for my pure desperation of financial aid for college.

as time went on i learned so many lessons about myself and also got really involved with some charities and good causes.

at the end of the day i loved every minute of it. even though i didnt win it brought so much good into my life!!!

but the part that meant the very most to me happened after a girl was crowned and all the glamour was taken off.

when i made the final 5 i was asked what my biggest fear was

"my biggest fear is grasshoppers"

i paused as everyone started to laugh

"they just jump out of no where and deflect off of you!!!! its a legitimate fear!!!"

that was how i will be remembered and the moment that made everyone fall for me because i was a real human being.

i was walking out of the dressing room with my stuff in my hands and my flowers and awards wearing my sneakers and some leggings looking just like any other normal person.

i had a mom come up behind me and say that her daughter has been looking for me for the past few minutes because she wants to have a picture with me! i was so ecstatic because i love kids and love knowing that i made a positive impact on this girl...

so i placed all of my things on the ground and walked to the little girl and handed her my bouquet of flowers, knelt on the ground next to her and smiled

*flash*

the little girl turned to me instantly after with the biggest smile on her face and said

"will you let me be your friend? i can show you that grasshoppers really arent that scary!"

I laughed and absorbed the moment. gave her a hug and her mom as well and we parted our ways.

but that was the highlight of my weekend.

so if you are like me and think that pageants are for pretend barbie doll girls (doesnt mean they dont enter) then i ask you to see the bigger picture like i learned to do.

its about being someone for these girls to relate to and look up to
instilling a hope that they too someday can be an amazing beautiful loving lady.

bottled up in my head

for those of you who dont know me..

dancing is my life.

although i wouldnt say im the best technical dancer and i havent had as much training as other people i know...

but i have the passion.

the love and the fire.

for expressing my emotion through music and through feeling each beat of the song with every inch of your body.

its quite an out of body experience when you give your whole self to the song.

but..choreography is where i feel my talent is..

i hear a song...

think of an issue in my life..

and i dream...

dream of the movement

the costumes

the light

and touching someone who can watch my piece

i have this piece..all bottled up inside my head..

diagnol crosses

reaching with open arms

frustration

pain

peace

a piece about hope...

and how it always seems so close..

but so far away..

so until september when ill be able to choreograph this piece... all it is,

is a movie inside my head.

all bottled up.

does it ever end?

girls.



boys.



where do i start?



where does it end?



maybe its just me?



there always seems to be another girl. a prettier funnier more unique girl.

one that is a bit braver than me.

one i could never ever compete against.

a girl that is simply a better person than me.



boys.



they are all the same.

they give you all the same compliments and cant find anything special about you.

in my experience no guy has ever been able to trust.

they let their fear of falling corrode your relationship.

and they mess you up.



i've come to the conclusion ill never find a guy that can fully love me for me.

ill never find a guy who can trust me.



i dont know whether to be pissed or to feel bad?



but as of now all im feeling is really confused and messed up.

fathers day

fathers day.

my dad is the best. i love him so much. he is such a great addition to our family. he does so much for...

wait.

what if that isnt your fathers day?

to be honest i've done everything in my power to avoid seeing or talking to my father for the past year and a half.

so today isnt the easiest holiday for me to handle.

am i the one in wrong? should i just forget about the ways he hurt me and my family? and the way he continually shows he doesnt care?

so i've been fighting with myself all day.
should i send a text?
give him a call?
write a card?
stop by?
go have dinner with him and his wife?

i came to the conclusion that sometimes we just need to be the bigger person and maybe be an example to the person who hurt you. im not forgiving him yet...but i hope that in me going over and spending the rest of the day at his house he can possibly look to me as an example.

i know im just a kid. but i've been through a lot. i have a lot of life behind me. so maybe my father, the person i should be looking to, can learn from me.

and now i'm on my way....

i wonder what gift i should give to someone i dont even know.

happy fathers day.